Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Living in Grace

Who knew that feeling happy could make me feel SO miserable?

Because so many 'good' things have been happening lately - hosting nephew #1's birthday party, loving the new series of X Factor Australia, finding it easier to laugh at jokes and join in meaningless conversations with friends. Yet every time I find myself enjoying something, it doesn't take long before I start feeling such sadness.

Sad that Chris isn't here to tell him about it. Sad he isn't here to laugh with over the terrible auditions on X Factor. Sad I'm already starting to look at Christmas gift ideas but he won't be here to spoil the most (like I usually did). Sad he won't be here to spoil me the most (as he always did).

To be honest, a lot of the time I'm still in that place where I think it's still just a really, really bad joke and surely he'll come back home soon and the pain will stop. I mean there is just NO WAY this could REALLY have happened? How the FUCK can he be dead???????????????????

Even worse, right now I'm trying REALLY hard to fight off bitterness and anger. Anger when I hear someone talking about how they are pregnant or to hear about their wedding plans. I even felt SO angry tonight when I saw a simple picture of a love heart drawn in the snow. I feel that Love Has Left My Life and this makes me angry. Which very quickly turns to bitterness.

Bitterness (in my opinion) is much worse than depression. Bitterness eats away at your very soul. Bitterness hardens the heart and saddens God. Worse than that, I know it's not how I want to live my life or how I know, FOR SURE, that Chris would not have wanted me to live my life. But to know how to actually do this, well I'm not quite sure how.

So here are some strategies I'm actively trying to put into place:

1. Living to a standard of Grace, rather than perfection

2. Do something meaningful at Christmas in memory of Chris e.g. a donation

3. Taking time to be still and reflect with love and purpose

4. Finding quiet joy in the small moments, those things that make life worth living - holding a baby, petting my puppy, talking on the phone with my sister, watching my nephews play

5. Accepting that my whole life has changed, that I'm not really who I was before and that is okay - as long as I am living in grace and not in bitterness

I'm definitely not there yet, but I'll keep on trying.

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