Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Filling the hole with memories

I've recently learnt that during the first week when someone you love dies, your body releases powerful narcotic-like chemicals similar to heroin and morphine which are powerful pain killing chemicals (apparently they are released from somewhere located at the base of your neck. Don't quote me on that though, I can't find the original reference). This is where you get feelings of shock and numbness from.

After a while (maybe up to 2 weeks for some people) this initial feeling goes away. And you know that grief is going to consume you for some time. What no one tells you though is that it's going to get worse, much worse, for quite some time. For me everything intensified 2 weeks ago, just before the two month mark. Now I'm a bit better during the days but the hours between 10pm and midnight are the worst. The intensity of just missing him is too much.

Tonight it occurred to me that perhaps I could take a big needle, at least 5cm in width and poke a hole in my heart. Maybe some of the pain would then drain out of the hole, kinda like draining a boil. The sore would still be there but the intensity of the pain would reduce. I'm pretty sure my doctor wouldn't agree to such a procedure though. If I'm not feeling better soon, I might just ask her anyway, yeah?

So instead I'm trying to sit and remember things about him that made me smile. Here are a couple of memories that are helping me tonight.

1. Our First Kiss: Chris and I met online in January 2000 in an IRC chat room. In September 2003 we finally met in person, after he helped me get a job at the Hotel Carmacks, in the Yukon Territory, Canada. This was a great option because I had a job, room and board - just in case we didn't like each other in person (or he turned out to be a serial killer, you read about these things on the internet, you know.) Anyway the day I arrived he took me for a walk around town to show me where everything thing was. As we were walking around I was too nervous to stop and actually ask myself "Do I like him?" instead I was thinking "Nope, he definitely doesn't like me. Oh well that's that then. Still a year in Canada will be nice."

An hour later we arrived back at the hotel and headed upstairs. Walking behind me, he said "You are exactly how I imagined you" ...... ???? What ???? *swoon* He DOES like me!!!

We went into his room and sat on the couch and talked for a little bit before he kissed me. I'll never forget afterwards he said "Don't worry, it'll get better"

WHAT???? Was my kissing THAT bad???

I never said anything about it until about 6 years later when after he kissed me one night I said:

"Well, was that any better?"

"Better than what?"

"The first time you kissed me you said it would get better. Obviously you thought I was a bad kisser but 6 years later you are still with me. It must be better?"

Oh he roared laughing! "I meant, we were both so nervous that it would get better, not that you would get better. I can't believe you thought that all this time."

Lesson learned - stop over analysing everything!

2. The first time at the Beach: Chris and I couldn't have had more different childhoods. Him, playing in the snow. Me, swimming in the ocean. Going down the coast was high on the list of priorities when Chris first got here. I always teased him about the first time he went in, he wouldn't go in the waves past his ankles, while I would be out as far as the other swimmers would go. Every summer he would get a little bit braver - out to his knees, then the next summer half way up his thighs, the next summer to just below the waist etc. Even 7 years later he would never go quite as far as me if the waves were really high, but he would go out enough to have a decent swim :-)

3. The night that we ....
Oops that one's naughty! Can't share here, I have family members that read this blog. It might be suffice to end this blog post here and yes, remembering these moments are helpful and have brought a smile to my face.


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