Monday, August 8, 2011

Living 'One Day at a Time' isn't easy

Ever since I was 9 years old and day dreamed about one day buying our local lolly shop (I'm sure they sold other things, I vaguely remembering buying bread and milk for mum from there too, but mostly I just remember the lollies!) and turning it into a beautiful store, I've always had an entrepreneurial streak.

While I definitely would not describe myself as an "Type A Personality", most of my life has always been focused on setting goals and dreaming big.

90% of my current day is sitting around crying tears over how much I miss Chris. The other 10% is sitting around crying and screaming "I don't want to do this! I don't want my life to be THIS sad! I can't handle this! I need to be doing something! I just want to be happy again!"

In that 10% of the time, I start thinking practically - what am I going to do with the rest of my life now that I'm on my own? ALL of my previous goals were in some way connected to Chris. Big goals needed to be discussed and in mutual agreement. Smaller goals needed to take into consideration how it would affect our lives together.

He had his own goals (starting his own personal training biz), I had my own goals (being the next Roald Dahl) and of course, we had our 'together goals' (the wedding, a baby, buying a new couch and vacuum cleaner, travel, fitness).

Suddenly 99% of those goals were crushed.

And now in few moments of 'sanity' (I find it amusing that I consider myself sane at times, because in retrospect I rarely am, especially of late) and when I start worrying about my future and become overwhelmed with an urge to 'create a new plan! I must have a plan!'

This in itself isn't that unreasonable to think. But my plans need to be BIG and successful!

This inevitably leads me to tears. What if my big, amazing plans work and they are successful? So what? Chris isn't here to see them. He isn't here to celebrate with me. No one is here to celebrate with me. No one is here to tell me how amazing I am. No one is here to support me without judgement (I will give Chris true credit here - he really did cheer for me and encourage me without judgement like very few people I know). What is the point of achieving anything without him here? So I sit and cry about the pointlessness of it all.

24 hours later, I'm back to where I was and on to the next new, BIG plan! (See I told you I wasn't that sane. Isn't the definition of stupidity doing the same thing over and over?)

So today I decide to post on facebook that I'm considering studying at university next year. Long online conversation follows with suggestions for study etc. Until a Very Dear and Wise Friend, had the guts to email me and suggest that I do not plan to take on a full course load next year. Like it or not, I have plenty of misery ahead. The first Christmas, New Years, Birthdays, Anniversaries without him. And then after that accepting I have a lifetime of Christmases, New Years, Birthdays and Anniversaries without him.

My mental and emotional capacities will be pushed to the limit. And I need to learn to make small and manageable plans to be able to pay the bills but that will allow me all the time in the world that I need to grieve.

I need to learn to focus on living 'One Day at a Time' for now. Or as Chris used to say to me all the time "You need to be where your hands are".

Right now, that means coping step by baby step. So if you hear me sprout out a ridiculous new plan, please remind me that it's okay - the big dreams can wait for a while.

No comments:

Post a Comment