Thursday, July 14, 2011

A month ago today ...

I've been kinda okay up until now. When I say okay, I mean I was able to hold myself together enough to plan his service, to receive visits from family and friends with a smile, even managed to laugh a couple of times at my fathers terrible "Dad jokes".

In the last month I've managed to cook dinner 3 times for myself, go grocery shopping yesterday (public tears in the fruit and vege section but pulled myself together by the time I reached the cheeses). I also managed to take my dog to the vet, visit with my nephews. I managed to keep my friends updated on facebook (facebook has been a godsend for providing short 'status' updates rather than dealing with phone calls and long emails).

I've also been planning a trip overseas to Canada to visit with his family, in particular his mom who wasn't able to make it over here for the funeral because of her health. I know this trip will be a good thing, even though the thought of going to Canada without him is too horrible to take in. My sister and 5yo nephew are going to be joining me for the first part of the trip, which will not only make it a lot easier but also fun as well. While I'm devastated by the circumstances of the trip, I'm excited to take them to some of the places that hold such special memories for me and Chris.

But today was different. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn't move. My body, heart and soul hardened.

It's funny but I guess I thought somehow it would get easier. Everyone said it would get easier. It hasn't. I just feel completely numb. I worry that I'm going to have no friends left, that I'll make everyone too uncomfortable. I know that my friends love me and just want to see me happy again. I tell myself to try and cheer up just a tiny little bit. It doesn't need to be anything big. But if I could just try ....

I often called Chris my 'COH' - Canadian Other Half. Even though I called him that, I guess I was always such a strong and independent person I never really thought that he was 'actually' my other half. You can be in a relationship and still be your own person, right? That's what I always thought. Not any more. Now I realise he really was my other half. How much of everything I did depended on him. Why I FOUGHT during the bad times to keep us together.

But now my other half has died. And today, I'm beginning to realise that means half of me has died. No wonder I'm feeling so miserable. One foot here on earth, and the other foot anxious to run through heaven's door to see him again.

I keep writing every sentence here, deleting, rewriting, deleting, logging out, logging back in, writing it again. I know that I don't have to push myself to do this. I don't have to do anything right now that I don't want to. But this feeling of overwhelming numbness is crippling. If I don't write this then I feel like I might not ever write again.

So here I sit writing. And it's hard but something somehow, somewhere, something is pushing me to write. I wish I could write so much more, I have so much more to say, but I just feel heavy.


  1. Mmmmm, you know I can not imagine what you are going through but I can try. Time stands still for you and it's weird because the rest of the world keeps on going. I know that....I've felt that. The pain never goes away but it does get easier over a LONG period of time, well thats how it was for me. Nearly 10 years later I still manage to say nothing other then "she has passed" because it hurts and I feel her now and every time I think about her she is there but now I like it that I can feel her, now she will never leave.
    I was just talking to my Mum about it and she said "It never gets easier, 37 years ago Dad died and I still cry for him. You just learn to live with it"
    Try words xxx

    Love you baby


  2. One foot in front if the other. That's all you have to do. You don't even have to think about where you are going. Just keep hanging on because that's all you can do sometimes. I'm praying for you. xxxxxx